A Story from the Heart Part 1

By: Dekeshia Alexander

The following content has been taken from the personal journal of Dekeshia Alexander. Here is a glimpse into the heart of an expectant mom.

Deep breath!!

Here I am 16 days away from my due date with Judah, baby #4, and I honestly still can’t believe I’m about to have a baby.  I see the stroller, the car seat, the bassinet right beside my bed but I’m missing the emotional connection and excited anticipation. I feel every kick and roll and tumble of his body and yet it doesn’t seem real.  I am having an emotional disconnect.

See Sept 15, 2015, a day I will forever have etched in my heart, I lost my baby Titus. I dreamed about, made plans for and imagined a future with him. I felt his kicks when they were small but they never matured into the powerful punches I expected. Initially we were told he was a girl.  We were stunned to find out he was indeed a boy. We dreamed about telling him that story one day. But on that day in September, what I thought were Braxton Hicks actually turned out to be the start of labor at 24 weeks. My worst nightmare became a reality. My baby just could not make it. .  Losing my son was the worst pain I have ever felt. I was left holding his lifeless body and with a heart broken into a million pieces. Unknowingly, it seems as though I have built a wall around my heart. During that dark time of losing Titus, I must say that my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, graciously and lovingly walked me through a healing and grieving process. Although nothing or no one can ever replace our 3rd son or make the memory of him disappear, I somehow found strength and courage to move forward. I held tight to the hope that I would see Titus again. Despite the questions and inability to fully understand “Why,” I chose to trust that God’s way is always perfect and He would somehow work out something good from what seemed to be so bad.

So, upon finding out that we were pregnant with our 4th child, I didn’t expect to walk through 9 months of uncertainty, blank emotions and solemn excitement. What if it happened again?  Would this baby actually make it?  Why do I have all of these questions? Keshia, you know God is good even when things are bad. But here I am, 16 days from my due date and still this feels so surreal. My heart hasn’t connected to the future this child holds with us. The rainbow that comes at the end of the storm hasn’t fully exploded into the beauty and joy it was intended to bring. At times I beat myself up for not fully embracing this child. Truly part of me hasn’t allowed myself to fully accept the fact that I indeed am about to birth a child, a child who is only here because his older brother left this earth too soon. I love my son whom I carry right now, but there is an emotional disconnect.  I continue to battle the thoughts that often run through my head, the “ifs” and the “whys”. Oh how grateful I am for God blessing us with the gift of life once again. But have these walls I have built up caused a permanent disconnect with my son? I have seen the walls come down little by little. I can only wonder if they will fall flat once I see the face of the one I carry now. I wonder if the cries of my newborn will give full existence to the joy and beauty that a rainbow is intended to bring.

 Either way, I choose to keep walking forward knowing that The One who has always been by my side will never leave me or forsake me.  He is here walking through this patch of life with me! Therefore, even through this emotional disconnect and uncertainty, I will yet praise Him and thank Him!